"WHO YOU SHOULD MARRY"

I plugged in my earpiece sank in my bed, drifting slowly out of this world, thrilled beyond words from some wonderful recitation coming from my favourite reciter. Suddenly a voice came through the earpiece, a voice I wasn't familiar with (in hausa) but what struck me and kept me from changing to the next recitation was the topic he (Sheikh Albani) was talking on: "marriage and who to marry".

Marry not who you love (so- hausa) but who you adore (kauna- hausa). He said love ends when its reasons end but adoration doesn't end, it only increases with time as its reasons increase.

What could those reasons be? I wondered.

He said; people mostly fall in love, because of some physical attributes; she is fair, has a firm breast (yes he said that) and is young and attractive. While on the other hand, adoration involves liking the being and the good characters of the being; excellent in character, of good behaviour, respectful, decent.

Those reasons like beauty in which love is built on fades with time, within months or even weeks after marriage and because these reasons have faded, love fades too and because there is no more reason(s) to hold on to the marriage, the marriage will start facing problem(s).

Isn't it hard to decipher between the thing called love and adoration? Isn’t it too much for an innocent heart? I wondered. Oh well I should know if I love you because you have a handsome face or because you have a great manner.

Listening further he said; it is surprising how couples that lived 40 years together still live in peace and harmony but these days, newly wed after 40 days of marriage start facing great turmoil.

Then I remembered a quote I once read somewhere about an old couple whom were asked how they stayed together for this long and their passion still very much alive, and they said: "we got married at a time when broken things are fixed, not thrown away".

Personally: I think the way and manner marriage was conceived really matter. Some are conceived against the will of the other party. Some are aborted immediately after conception, some are miscarried after conception, and some are happily conceived at a time in need by both parties, there by blossom and nurtured into a responsible union.

The prophet Mohammad (PBUH) was heard to have said, "anyone that comes to seek for your daughters hand in marriage and after finding out that the person is of good character, conduct, behaviour and is religious then marry off your daughter to that person if not you are going to create a great havoc in the land" reported by Tirmidhi.

From the prophets statement, you will understand that, it is possible for someone to be of good conduct but is not religious and one that is of bad behaviour but is very religious.

According to the sheikh; many people make the mistake of marrying someone because they feel they are religious; seeing a sister fully covered, you automatically assume she is God fearing. This doesn't necessary qualify as someone to be wholly religious, it has to reflect in her character, manners, conduct and association with others. You see a brother fully beard, sticking out chewing stick, and you assume he is very religious hence giving out your daughter to him. What you do not know is behind the beard and the facial religious looks lies a beast.

Personally I very much agree with that point; Religion is beyond what others consider it to be, we mostly ignore people's character and conduct, we take up flesh and leave the soul, we mostly dwell and judge based on the outer wear ignoring the inner wear not knowing that a dirty underwear affects even the outer wear with stench.

Adding to the point of the learned scholar, I'll also say that, people these days are so greedy, they do not look at beauty, nor do they look at character, religion? That's never a problem all they are after is wealth, brand name, big wedding and material possession.

Looking out for a wealthy person is not entirely bad because even the prophet was quoted to have said: "A woman may be married for four qualities for her property, her rank, her beauty and her religion; so get the religious one and prosper." Bukhari and Muslim

And the rule for a man is; he must be able to support the woman.

Marrying a very wealthy man is no ticket to the gates of happiness, you will look for a hole to squeeze yourself out when you marry the wrong wealthy man and some parents with all due respect contribute in this regard.

I was having a discussion with some group of ladies the other day, one of them brought a gist of how a lady left her husband when she discovered he is gay, and the other lady was like, "that's so dumb of her, what's her business of him being a gay if he will be giving her money? as rich as he is, she left? She is mad", some among the group agreed to that, some of us disagreed.

If he is wealthy, of good conduct and character and religious and loves and adore you, we are not saying you should dump him. He is indeed best for you. But if he is not all these but just wealthy believe me, wealth can't erase all the pains that might arise from a bad marriage.

He is very wealthy but, you eat punch for breakfast, drink insult in the afternoon and slap for dinner, can his wealth help you out of these three (3) squared anguish and misery?

Other relationships I see these days, however, are built on deceit from beginning to the end. They are a lot of two faced people out there, trying hard to hide their real self behind a good personality! Understand the person you are about to marry, please don’t fall in love with the person you don’t even know, don't be clouded by things you read about love or watch on TV, all the roses and scented flowers. He can be a Romeo outside (before marriage) but a beast inside (after marriage). She can be a Juliet, sweet queen and princess outside but an unappreciative, nagging noisy peace killer inside. Get to know who s(he) is, who s(he) relates with, how s(he) relates with others because the way s(he) relates with others is exactly the way s(he) will relate with you and the people close to your heart.

She nags too much before marriage? Marriage is not a nagging therapy she will continue after it. You don't like the way and manner she talks in public, you always correct her but she doesn't want to be corrected and you seriously like her? Learn to deal with it after marrying her then. She mingles with bad friends and tells you she can't leave them for you? Are you ready to have those bad friends visit your home after marriage? She is the busy type and you know it, but you want her to give you all the time after marriage? You obviously just want to create trouble after marriage. Stay in your lane, be realistic and reasonable.

He doesn't respect his elders? He won't respect your parents; he keeps late night hanging out with bad company? He will continue doing that after marriage, he gambles a lot? He will gamble you some day in exchange for what he wants. He doesn't respect other women but he says he respect you? You will soon join the ranks of other women, it’s just a matter of time. His parents want him to marry because they want him to stop all the above listed? What he needs is a rehab not a spouse.

Twitter: @Yadomah