"WHO YOU SHOULD MARRY"

I plugged in my earpiece sank in my bed, drifting slowly out of this world, thrilled beyond words from some wonderful recitation coming from my favourite reciter. Suddenly a voice came through the earpiece, a voice I wasn't familiar with (in hausa) but what struck me and kept me from changing to the next recitation was the topic he (Sheikh Albani) was talking on: "marriage and who to marry".

Marry not who you love (so- hausa) but who you adore (kauna- hausa). He said love ends when its reasons end but adoration doesn't end, it only increases with time as its reasons increase.

What could those reasons be? I wondered.

He said; people mostly fall in love, because of some physical attributes; she is fair, has a firm breast (yes he said that) and is young and attractive. While on the other hand, adoration involves liking the being and the good characters of the being; excellent in character, of good behaviour, respectful, decent.

Those reasons like beauty in which love is built on fades with time, within months or even weeks after marriage and because these reasons have faded, love fades too and because there is no more reason(s) to hold on to the marriage, the marriage will start facing problem(s).

Isn't it hard to decipher between the thing called love and adoration? Isn’t it too much for an innocent heart? I wondered. Oh well I should know if I love you because you have a handsome face or because you have a great manner.

Listening further he said; it is surprising how couples that lived 40 years together still live in peace and harmony but these days, newly wed after 40 days of marriage start facing great turmoil.

Then I remembered a quote I once read somewhere about an old couple whom were asked how they stayed together for this long and their passion still very much alive, and they said: "we got married at a time when broken things are fixed, not thrown away".

Personally: I think the way and manner marriage was conceived really matter. Some are conceived against the will of the other party. Some are aborted immediately after conception, some are miscarried after conception, and some are happily conceived at a time in need by both parties, there by blossom and nurtured into a responsible union.

The prophet Mohammad (PBUH) was heard to have said, "anyone that comes to seek for your daughters hand in marriage and after finding out that the person is of good character, conduct, behaviour and is religious then marry off your daughter to that person if not you are going to create a great havoc in the land" reported by Tirmidhi.

From the prophets statement, you will understand that, it is possible for someone to be of good conduct but is not religious and one that is of bad behaviour but is very religious.

According to the sheikh; many people make the mistake of marrying someone because they feel they are religious; seeing a sister fully covered, you automatically assume she is God fearing. This doesn't necessary qualify as someone to be wholly religious, it has to reflect in her character, manners, conduct and association with others. You see a brother fully beard, sticking out chewing stick, and you assume he is very religious hence giving out your daughter to him. What you do not know is behind the beard and the facial religious looks lies a beast.

Personally I very much agree with that point; Religion is beyond what others consider it to be, we mostly ignore people's character and conduct, we take up flesh and leave the soul, we mostly dwell and judge based on the outer wear ignoring the inner wear not knowing that a dirty underwear affects even the outer wear with stench.

Adding to the point of the learned scholar, I'll also say that, people these days are so greedy, they do not look at beauty, nor do they look at character, religion? That's never a problem all they are after is wealth, brand name, big wedding and material possession.

Looking out for a wealthy person is not entirely bad because even the prophet was quoted to have said: "A woman may be married for four qualities for her property, her rank, her beauty and her religion; so get the religious one and prosper." Bukhari and Muslim

And the rule for a man is; he must be able to support the woman.

Marrying a very wealthy man is no ticket to the gates of happiness, you will look for a hole to squeeze yourself out when you marry the wrong wealthy man and some parents with all due respect contribute in this regard.

I was having a discussion with some group of ladies the other day, one of them brought a gist of how a lady left her husband when she discovered he is gay, and the other lady was like, "that's so dumb of her, what's her business of him being a gay if he will be giving her money? as rich as he is, she left? She is mad", some among the group agreed to that, some of us disagreed.

If he is wealthy, of good conduct and character and religious and loves and adore you, we are not saying you should dump him. He is indeed best for you. But if he is not all these but just wealthy believe me, wealth can't erase all the pains that might arise from a bad marriage.

He is very wealthy but, you eat punch for breakfast, drink insult in the afternoon and slap for dinner, can his wealth help you out of these three (3) squared anguish and misery?

Other relationships I see these days, however, are built on deceit from beginning to the end. They are a lot of two faced people out there, trying hard to hide their real self behind a good personality! Understand the person you are about to marry, please don’t fall in love with the person you don’t even know, don't be clouded by things you read about love or watch on TV, all the roses and scented flowers. He can be a Romeo outside (before marriage) but a beast inside (after marriage). She can be a Juliet, sweet queen and princess outside but an unappreciative, nagging noisy peace killer inside. Get to know who s(he) is, who s(he) relates with, how s(he) relates with others because the way s(he) relates with others is exactly the way s(he) will relate with you and the people close to your heart.

She nags too much before marriage? Marriage is not a nagging therapy she will continue after it. You don't like the way and manner she talks in public, you always correct her but she doesn't want to be corrected and you seriously like her? Learn to deal with it after marrying her then. She mingles with bad friends and tells you she can't leave them for you? Are you ready to have those bad friends visit your home after marriage? She is the busy type and you know it, but you want her to give you all the time after marriage? You obviously just want to create trouble after marriage. Stay in your lane, be realistic and reasonable.

He doesn't respect his elders? He won't respect your parents; he keeps late night hanging out with bad company? He will continue doing that after marriage, he gambles a lot? He will gamble you some day in exchange for what he wants. He doesn't respect other women but he says he respect you? You will soon join the ranks of other women, it’s just a matter of time. His parents want him to marry because they want him to stop all the above listed? What he needs is a rehab not a spouse.

Twitter: @Yadomah

TRAVAILS OF A FEMALE CHILD REARER ....

"Jamila delivered a baby girl few days back, have you heard'?

My jaw immediately dropped, a vague feeling flushed my entire system, a mixture of surprise, disbelief, disappointment, and then belief.

Jamila is our former Mai-Guards daughter, they live in the Boys Quarters of one of our flats, she is a girl of about seventeen who is on my sisters payroll for helping around the house with some chores since she is otherwise unemployed. I know Jamila well, though I never had a serious conversation with her because she's seems to be the kind of person that is rather shy but obviously corny.

Some months ago when I was away from home, chatting with my sister, I enquired about her and her siblings, my sister told me that she had eloped with her boyfriend. I was totally shocked, I had never envisaged in my wildest imagination she would do such a thing, she was somewhat timid. Then I learnt she returned some months later. Her dad, who was obviously enraged, grounded her.

Since I came back home I haven't seen her.

What I find most intriguing is that her father (our former mai-guard) apparently did not know that his daughter was pregnant until the day of her delivery. He came home and was bewildered, seeing a lady he knew to be a midwife frantically entering and exiting his daughters room, he peeped into the room and saw his daughter 'pushing' and just then the baby dropped! This came to him as a total shocker. Oh well that was to be expected because he didn't know his daughter was pregnant for nine months; ''this is the girl I grounded, how did the baby enter"? He must have wondered.

The enraged man went and grabbed a knife and swore he'd cut the baby into pieces - He must have meant it because he is known to have problems with anger management. I laughed at the foolishness of the man, why cut a baby to pieces? An innocent child oblivious of the situation in which she was conceived, an innocent child that just arrived this troublesome world. Did he not hear the foolishness in his voice?

This is a man that had been setting up expensive bride prices for his daughters (Jamila Inclusive) when suitors came willing to marry them, he wouldnt give out his daughters except to the rich, the ones that could afford the prices he set, now that one of his daughters set out and got herself pregnant and now he threatens to cut the baby? This is a daughter he had high hopes for, but rather than bringing him wealth, she shattered the dream he had been desperately clinging to. I guess this was the main worry and cause of aggravation.

There are many supposed fathers who only bring children into the world but do not involve themselves in grooming them, though I can't blame it entirely on grooming, because even some well-groomed children bring embarrassment to their families. However, this father showed clear signs of irresponsibility; how is it possible for your daughter to carry a child for nine months without you having the slightest idea?

These are often the kind of parents that see their children as liabilities, as burdens. The children greet them in the morning, they answer with a mumble without even looking at the child, till the following morning, to mumble another reply. They do not talk to them, neither to they care what is going on with them, they do not listen to them and they do not educate them - you advise them about educating their children, and they see you as an agent of Lucifer, the one whom the devil has sent to come and tell them to send their children to his chamber. School to them is where children get corrupted and learn how to get screwed - but this one got screwed anyway. They see schools as the devils workshop; as such their children stay at home, wasting and waiting to be disposed to the right, rich man.

Those supposed fathers also treat their wives no better, like pieces of garbage but at night the wife has to know where his bed is and in the morning she is nothing but a piece of garbage again, like the children she bears for him. They do not really matter until they become of age, and they are ripe for marriage, because they are not educated the only pursuit and career goal is to marry them off to a wealthy man that can foot their bills. The greedy man sets prices and targets for suitors that scare them away, and their over ripe daughters keep going out to be sampled and come back home with presents that only become apparent after nine months.

It very much is a pity that this is almost like a norm in this part of the world. Parents see their children as liabilities and enlightening such parents is harder than going through the proverbial eye of a needle. These are people who mix religion with life and this is where they lose, this attitude has got nothing to do with religion and is completely opposite to what religion preaches, it is a mockery of religion.

What they need is serious enlightenment, and prayers. I doubt anybody has put these as prayer points: "God deliver hostile parents", "God give blockheaded parents the wisdom to educate their children" but unfortunately, prayer won't solve it all, we need action.

This attitude of not educating children is like an infection that spreads like a wildfire. The parents are not educated, the children are not educated, the children of the children will not be and the accidental bastards delivered of those uneducated children will not be and so the chain goes and on. Have you paused to consider what will happen in the next twenty years? A world with plenty illiterates means a world with people that do not know their left talk more of their right and this will leave us with a serious problem, a tragedy, a menace.

To prevent this we need a serious overhaul of the educational system - compulsory education. The girl child MUST be educated; the male child MUST be educated. If it pleases you, marry off your daughter, but she MUST be educated, she must go to school. All states in the north must take up this challenge because this is where the whole thing is endemic. Even if we cannot educate all at least at the end of the day we will have a large number of wise people around and by that even those that didn't get to educate their children can be enlightened by those educated but as it is now, we have a lot of both uneducated and unwise people supporting the cause of each other.

A helpless mother.......

She was 30 when I came into the world.

I was handed over to her unclothed, crying and kicking but when she picked me up and cuddled me in her warm, powerful arms I had to accept her, and love her.

I got clothed with clothes from her closet and fed with food from her land; I drank water from her well and lived in peace and tranquillity. As a little child growing up I didn't know what she was going through, she looked healthy and strong with no sign of worries.

I learnt with her, watched over by her; she was supportive, she was productive, she was warm, she was easy to live with; she was great. I grew up peacefully with her...

But as I grew up and became a little older, I noticed she had changed drastically, she became twice as old as her true age, she looked very different from her other friends and age mates around the world.

Now, she has been completely changed by burns and smoke. She looks devastated and frustrated by the pain and suffering some of her children cause to her other children, most of her houses burnt, she is financially down and hardly can see any more; she is crippled - on a wheel chair with aides that lead her way, her own children, her own blood, but they poke, push and kick her recklessly, making her stumble and fall from the wheelchair with neither remorse nor sympathy. With bruises and scars all over her, her favourite white dress with green patches always stained with blood.

Who does that to a mother?

While some of her younger children stand at a distance watching the pain their elder ones cause to their mother with anger. Screaming and shouting, they tell their neighbours what is happening; using local and modern media to convey their anger and grief. Their neighbours look on with astonishment and surprise. Some of her children used to feel comfortable sitting on top of their mother’s wonderful fence but even that has been bulldozed from its foundation.

Some of her children have tried to rescue her from the hands of those that maltreat her but they are bullied and beaten as well, they don't have the arms and armoury neither do they have the wealth the older children have, they are not as rich in material as they are in sympathy for their mother - a mother that nurtured them, a mother through whose wealth the elders became rich, a mother kind enough to give too much to those who would later destroy her, and less to those who would have helped her. She hasn’t been biased; she has been overpowered. They stand like thick walls between a mother and her other children...

Mother I can't blame you for you were everything any child would want to have.

Just like when I was handed to you all those years ago, I am kicking and screaming now. How I wish you would come around again as you did the first time, to take me in your powerful now mark -covered arms, but you are obviously sick and devastated, needing urgent help for your paralysed and hungry soul.

On the 1st of october when you turned 53 the mere look on your face made me cry, the bruises and scars looked fresh and new, the blood stains pure red, the smoke stains pronounced, you looked tense and unhappy, silently wishing for something better.

O pretty old woman of age! were that you'd look strong, healthy, peaceful and full of life. Sitting with all your children in a green fresh garden, everyone looking happy and cheerful on your birthday.

You will be a  proud  mother with  supportive children. The rich supporting the poor, the old looking after the young. None harming or inflicting pain on the other. No disparity, no bullying.

This has always been your dream, I wish and pray it will come to pass soon.

On Twitter @Yadomah

MY SUNSHINE HAS RETIRED.......

Sunday, April 7, 2013 is no doubt the saddest day of my life for on this day I lost a great pillar in my Life. That day came with a cocktail of bad emotions. I felt like I was going insane, I felt incomplete. I kept hoping that I will awake from the Horrible Nightmare I was having in Broad daylight. The Nightmare has not gone away and my dad (Alhaji (Dr) Zannah Bukar Umaru Mandara) is still dead.

My father was not just a ''dad'' he was much more than a ''dad''. He was a father, an uncle, a grandfather, a guardian, a teacher, in fact he was everything I did not have. It is unbelievable that my Father is now being addressed with the word ''was''. I simply can't bring myself to believe that my dad, my hero, my mentor is no more. I can’t believe that he is gone, that I won't see him again for as long as I live (a very painful reality). But in total submission to the will of Allah, I will try my best.

My Fathers guiding principles were hinged on the importance of RESPECT, SINCERITY, UPRIGHTNESS, DECENCY, NEATNESS, UNITY, MORALITY, KNOWLEDGE, HONESTY, INTEGRITY, and HUMILITY. I hope to God that I am able to imbibe these principles in my life and share them with the world around me. I can still hear my Father echo these words to me "Respect for young and old, rich and poor, for we are all human beings and equal”, "be humble", "be a cheerful giver", "be of good attitude", "be knowledgeable no matter what", "be united", ''be neat" "be decent''.

Dad taught us how to greet and relate with our elders and people in general. I remember how Dad in a bid to instil respect and discipline in us his Kids, insisted we sit in ascending to descending order or descending to ascending order (according to age), whenever we are having family meetings. My Dad is a Man that does informal things in a formal way. He taught us how to pen down and keep record of each and every important event, he was someone who believed that anything worth listening to is worth recording.

My dad made us understand that life is not a bed of roses. He will always say to us "It may be us today and someone else tomorrow". He particularly warned us his kids on the repercussion of being loose natured; ''the moment you become loose that very moment you lose your worth. Dad would tell us things that sometimes made us feel embarrassed. I remember how Dad would monitor our movement closely. He would interrogate us on where we are intending to go to?  When we will be back home? Who we are going out with? We always thought he was being strict, but I later realized that he did all that out of his deep affection for us all. Dad strongly believed that vacationing was very necessary in the Cycle of Life. He always advocated on the need for a deserved rest and a change of environment once in a while. During weekends or holidays, dad will always find time to take us out on site seeing and shopping, and the most interesting part was that he always insisted that he drives us. Whenever my Father travelled out within or outside the country, gifts from cloths to perfume, wrist watches, jewellery, shoes etc. flowed freely. We always looked forward to those trips. Ohh he has travelled, travelled never to return.

Dad always loved bringing his family together as often as he could manage, to the extent that his kids who were married within the state were sent letters seeking their spouse’s permission to allow their wives grace his invitation for a family dinner/meeting. Family dinners were always fun because there was always a lot to eat and drink. I remember the banter, jokes, and laughter with nostalgia. After having our feel we always moved to the section of the house my Father called the 'family parlour. Here my Dad will give us lengthy lectures about life.  We always enjoyed his lectures because there’s always something new to learn. When Dad says: that's about all in conclusion, some of us will mutter, ‘’he is opening a new chapter’’ and we were always right. When he is finally done he will gather us all and bless us with prayers. Then the most interesting part of it all was when he hands us all fat envelopes.

My Father, Baba as we fondly called him loves education and loved to push his children as well as children of others academically. Our Father saw to it that his children have gone far in terms of western and islamic education before his demise. For females he almost made it a principle that you have to acquire Islamic knowledge, complete your degree and NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) before you are discharged to your husbands house, which he has succeeded. Baba had so much interest in educating the female child. He encouraged us to push further academically because he strongly believed that a degree is just like a foundation or starting point, therefore we could go as far as we wanted to. He will always say ''If you are not knowledgeable, you have nothing to offer in life''. If you wanted money from my dad, go to him with a list of books or something you want to enrol in that’s relative to academics, and he will receive you with open arms. He always advised his female children to never give up their dreams because they were women. He always said “ Women are like the spoon that are used to stir things in the world''.

Baba always preach to us about the importance of unity. On family unity, one of my favorite quotes of his is ''Walk together, Run together, sit together, and escape together''. On national unity he always said: whether you are Yoruba, Igbo, or Hausa we are all ONE.

Dad was a giver. He always put the needs of others before ours. We always wondered why he always did that, but later I realized our needs were mostly luxury while others were in dire need of his help. My Father felt he owed a lot to his country and people in general. He was a man who would lose sleep if he didn't help the needy. My father gave free Islamic and western education to the less privileged children in Borno. He even went as far as hiring Arab tutors from Egypt to tutor less privileged children Arabic and Qur'an. Baba provided for the Hungry, the Homeless, and the Unemployed. He was a friend of the media, he was a voice to the voiceless. This was a man who received uncountable awards - I always wondered how a single man could have received so much awards.

My Father loved us all and never gave us cause to worry. Baba fought gallantly and made sure his children never got wind of how sick he was till his last breath. I can never ever pay you back dad, for all you have done for me, for all you have taught me, I know this, but I will always pray for you till the day I take my last breath. I will miss you dearly dad. Our home is now a house that feels so empty without you. You were like a shade that stood tall and strong. You were like a sanctuary we all ran to when beaten by the sun or rain. Where will we run to now that you are no more dad?

I am your only female child whom you weren't opportune to witness her wedding, I am saddened by this fact but Allah knows best. In the First  week of March I turned 23, first week of April you left this world. I feel it's your way of saying my last child my time is up, it is time I leave this world, you are old enough to know right and wrong, be good, be true, be decent be you. Respect all, be humble. These are what I taught you, I know you won't disappoint me. I promise you my dad, my hero, my mentor I won't disappoint you, with Allah's guidance and your prayers of blessing to us when you were alive, I will do my utmost best and hold the fort. Rest in Jannatul firdaus my beloved dad till we meet again in the shade that surpasses all shades I Love You Dad.